first count to ten, then panic.


Good morning, everyone, and welcome aboard this flight.

Before we take off, I'd like to call your attention to some safety features we have on board.

Each seat on board comes with a safety information card; we'd like you to read very carefully in preparation for the mid-flight test later on.

I'd also like to call your attention to the smartly dressed flight attendants standing before you, who will be pointing out exits and other aircraft equipment.

There are two exits on board, one in the middle and one at the front.

Should there be a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from above.

Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face  and begin breathing normally.

Adults, put your own mask on before helping a child or an adult who's acting like a child. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

Once we have reached a comfortable altitude, the captain will turn off the seat belt sign and you will be free to move about the cabin. If you need to use the bathroom, we have two on board, one forward and one aft. If you're unfamiliar with the terms 'fore' and 'aft,' you're in some trouble, aren't you? We'd like to remind you that this is a no-smoking flight and, to ensure this, smoke detectors are installed in both lavatories. Federal law prohibits tampering with this device or with the hidden camera. Photographs will be available at the end of the flight.

We'll be showing two movies on today's flight. Our first is entitled The Hijacking of Flight 458, followed by Jet Crash 2005. Both movies are based on real-life events, as told by American Trans Air cabin attendants. For the moment, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight, as I and the rest of the cabin attendants go below deck to begin searching through your luggage.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than we do.